Standing in the ruins

I read this blog today Chaos…Mess…Ruin and it resonated for me, particularly the quote from Elizabeth Gilbert: “Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”

When my husband left, it felt like he left my life in ruins…what I thought was true, was no longer true, what I thought was a solid foundation ended up being nothing but dust.  I stood there in the ruins wondering…how could this have happened? what could I have done differently? where did we go wrong? what will become of me?

I wish I could say that my life has been transformed and what a great gift this has been, but that’s not where I am.  I am still in the ruins, but I’m starting to see the treasures that have been hidden, that I missed while busy propping up a failing marriage.  I want the transformation…the ruins to be rebuilt…bigger and better than ever, but I know that’s not how it works.

I know I need to be patient with myself…have compassion for myself and allow the road to transformation unroll before me.  My job is to keep moving forward on that road, even though it sometimes feels too long and too overwhelming.  Some days I get stuck in the ruins and think about what they used to be and it feels like I’ll never move past.  But there are other days, when the sun is shining, the road is inviting and the gifts shimmer in the distance.

Forgive??

Forgiveness has been on my mind and on my facebook page…there’s lots of cliches out there about forgiving and how it is for the person that has been wronged more than the wrongdoer.  How not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, how forgiveness makes you the better person, brings peace, helps you move on and let go.  There’s power and freedom in forgiveness, so then why is it so fucking hard???

My more enlightened self understands the value in forgiveness and knows that at some point I need to forgive my ex. At some point maybe I can step back and see how we are each on our path, figuring out our own journeys and that where we are today is exactly where we need to be.  I think my enlightened self is on the right track and I have no doubt that will lead to more peace and happiness in my life.

However, my less enlightened self still feels pissed off and yes…I hate to say it…but like I am the victim in this sad tale of heartbreak.  I know that my ego loves the drama and likes to take any opportunity to pull me into the sad story of heartbreak, betrayal and smashed dreams.  What I also know is that the ego is finding less opportunities to pull me into that drama and when it happens, I don’t stay there as long.  I can see the story from a different perspective, as piece of the story, not the whole book.

As I step back from this story, there becomes space…perhaps space for forgiveness.  Perhaps as Gerald Jampolsky in Forgiveness said: “While we may not want to take responsibility for our own perceptions and projections, when we do so we are then able to make choices between the belief system of the ego and the belief system of love.”

For myself, I want to choose love…which I guess means choosing forgiveness too…

Another new year post…

The beginning of a new year of course brings reflections of the past year and hopes and goals for the new one ahead.  There’s always this sense that somehow things will be magically different when we wake up on January 1 and our resolutions, goals or whatever you want to call will just start to happen and will be swept away by the positive momentum.

2015 has certainly been quite the year for me, filled with hurt, but also filled with love, hope and so much learning.  What have I learned you ask…

1. I am strong. I am a warrior-goddess and will raise my daughter to be one too. I can rise above the shit and do what needs to be done to make a good life for myself and for her.
2. The women in my life are amazing…my mom, my sisters and my friends.
3. I know who has my back…see above.
4. It does get better, the tears slow and the heart begins to mend.
5. I like having my freedom back…I can do what I want, spend my money how I please, go on the holidays I want and not feel guilty.
6. Dating sucks…you probably already knew that 🙂
7. And yes mom…going through this has made me a better counsellor and probably more compassionate and wise than I already was.

That’s some good learning, but what am I going to do with it you ask…

2016 is my year!!  I am letting go of the shit…turns out it wasn’t mine anyways.  I am going to focus on myself and my daughter and living a good life that is filled with meaning, kindness, compassion, adventure and fun.  I am sure there will continue to be hurts and suffering, it is life after all, but I know that I can do it.

Freedom

Tonight is a new moon, a time to set new intentions for what I want in my life.  It’s a big question to think who do I want to be and become in my life.  Surprisingly given the pain and heartbreak of the past 9 months, I feel fairly content in my life.  I have so much that I am grateful for everyday and I do keep track 🙂

So what do I want…

In spending some time reflecting, it all comes down to freedom.

I want to be free.

Free from this broken heart,

free from the constraints I have put on myself for so many years,

free to love myself,

free to love someone new,

free to be…

without judgment, without shame or guilt…

just free…

free.

A conversation with a ghost.

So today’s prompt from Writing 101 is basically to compare and contrast and for an extra challenge to use dialogue to do it, so here it goes…

I eavesdrop part way through a conversation between the Allen of today and the ghost of Allen past…

The ghost of Allen past explained to the Allen of today “you owe her this, because she has been there for you for the past 17 years and you have been the one that kept these secrets.  I knew you should have told her long ago, but you said she wouldn’t understand and you didn’t want to risk our relationship.”

“I can’t change that now.  I kept everything in neat little boxes for a lot of years and thought I could keep that up, but it wasn’t me…I was denying part of who I am, a part that I deserve to explore and experience.  Besides she stopped being there for me.  You remember how it was even when we were first married.  I tried to make her happy, but it was never enough. Now it’s my turn to make me happy.”

“Don’t you think we could do that with her?” he said quietly.  “She was our soul mate, our heart filled with love at the sight of her, we couldn’t wait to see her at the end of the day…to talk…to kiss…to make love…just to be…remember?”

“That’s a long time ago”, said Allen of today, “she changed and I’ve changed.”  “She can’t accept who I am now, she’s not willing to let me have freedom in our relationship and I’m not willing to give up these parts of myself.  I know she doesn’t understand that…she still wants me to be you.  I’m not you anymore!!  I can’t fucking be you!!  Why can’t we all just move on?”

“But what are we moving on to?  What about our commitment?  What about our child?”

“It’s my turn to commit to myself…I’m sorry this is hurting everyone and I’ve felt like shit about that, but I can’t change what has been done and I can’t change who I am.” said Allen of today as he clenched his fists.  “Don’t you want to be happy?  Don’t you want all of your needs met?  This new relationship offers us it all…and it’s fun…don’t you want some fucking fun in your life?”

“Of course I want fun too, but I also want love, connection and security.  Remember how safe we felt with her, that she was the first person to really get us, we felt accepted with her, we were a family.  I know it’s been hard and I know we need to be true to our self, but I wonder if the cost is too high”… his voice trailed off and he seemed to be losing his substance.  The ghost of Allen had started out looking like just a younger version of the Allen of today, but now he looked fainter.

“Look I still love her, but not in the way she deserves to be loved.  I can’t be true to her and she won’t allow me freedom in our marriage, so there’s no choice.”

“There is a choice” the ghost said faintly, he was almost transparent now.  “You could chose to be faithful, to be committed, to figure out how to make this relationship work, now that she knows the truth.  I believe in her…I believe in us…I believe in love…by now he was just a whisper.

“I can’t!” said Allen, “I fucking can’t!  It’s over!!  Over!!”

With that, the ghost was gone and Allen was left…alone.

A certain point…

Thanks for this inspiration https://zenzenbuddhabuddha.wordpress.com/2015/03/28/resisting-change/comment-page-1/#comment-46, your post really resonated with me.

I have been clinging to the idea of my marriage and what it means to be married.  Being married has been part of my identity for the past almost 17 years.  I have liked being married and what that has meant, it has brought me comfort, security and a safe place to be.  Within that marriage, we built a life together…shared dreams, bought houses and best of all created a child together.  She is what makes it hard to let go…she doesn’t understand…tonight she asked “why doesn’t dad want to live here?”

Good question…wish I had a good answer.  I do know some of the answer, but I can’t share the details with her…I can just say that her dad is trying to figure out what he wants for his life, what makes him happy, who he is and how he wants to be in the world.  Doesn’t make a lot of sense to a 9 year old.  I would like to be able to give her what she longs for, but I know I cannot.  I think I’m at the point of no return…that I am lessening my grip on this marriage.  Even though it is hard to let go, I’m starting to get glimpses of what’s on the other side and it looks good 🙂

And I have a Kafka quote…

Life goes on…

I want to write, but I don’t know what to write.  I feel like I’m stalled.

I’m trying to move on with my life and focusing on the positives…my work, my daughter, my family, my friends, my interests…nice list!!

But thoughts just keep popping into my head about Allen, about our marriage, some are pleasant and some not so much, but there they are popping in…uninvited, unhelpful and unwanted.  The pleasant ones remind me of all the good things we’ve had in our marriage and wonder if there’s not a way to get back to there and the others…well they make me feel angry and hurt and sad.  The pleasant ones make me sad too and hurt and angry too.

I think I’m over the initial shock of being separated, but I’m still a long way from healed.  I feel stuck in this middle, nowhere land where life goes on, but it doesn’t feel quite right.  But I am choosing to move on…

If that makes you happy…

So Allen tells me last week he wants me to be happy and if sitting around hoping that things will work out between us makes me happy then I should do that.  This becomes a light bulb moment followed by “fuck you Allen“.  The conversation before this moment was one of me reaching out to him to let him know that I’m still willing to be here for him and that I still have hope for us and it feels emotional and vulnerable.  In the moments afterwards though things shift for me.  He continues talking about himself, his inability to get credit, his work situation…blah, blah, blah, totally unaware that moment, that statement…do what makes me happy…has changed things for me.

I don’t want to be with this man…he has betrayed me, lied to me, he is a complainer, he’s angry and he’s negative…I don’t want that or him back in my home, back in my bed.  I look at him standing by the door and think this is not who I’m mourning, who I’m letting go of…I’m letting go of the man I used to think he was, the man who I thought loved and accepted me and would always be there for me.  He’s not that man.

It’s hard to accept that reality…that he’s not the man I fell in love with and that he’s never going to be that man again.  I have been wishing and hoping that he could be…that he wanted to be, but he can’t be and he doesn’t want to be. I can sit and hope for this, but it doesn’t make me happy, it makes me feel rejected, sad, lonely and stuck.  And why would I choose that for myself.

I have been sitting with this over the past week and it’s felt stuck in my head and my heart…I know it to be true, but I’m resisting that truth.  I’ve sat down to write, but have resisted that too.  If I put it into words, maybe it becomes too real…it acknowledges the truth…he’s not that man anymore.

I can let go of the man he is today, this man is not my soul mate.  I am my soul mate…

If light is in your heart, you will find your way home.” Rumi

Today’s assignment from Blogging 101 was to take control of your title and your tagline.  I already love my title, untethered heart, for me this represents freedom…freedom to take back my heart, freedom to make my own choices, freedom to be me, whoever that might be.  I feel like I am in the process of freeing my heart, untangling the tethers that have bound it to a man who no longer honors the ties between our hearts.  An untethered heart is free, strong, resilient, courageous and filled with love for self and others.

When I read this Rumi quote, I knew it was my tagline.  An untethered heart is filled with light and that will lead me home…home to myself, home to a new life and home to love.