“the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.” Google dictionary
There seems to be a lot of ambivalence about dating, not just my own…of which there is plenty, but with many of the single women I know. Yes, we are women of a certain age (middle), but really we are great catches. We’ve moved past the drama, can carry on interesting conversations, know what we want in life, in a partner, know that it takes work to keep the love alive. We believe in the potential of what love can bring…of being in a relationship that is nourishing, committed, passionate and meaningful. We can see the possibility…we read the blogs, watch the webinars, put ourselves out there online and in the world and hope that love might find us.
The reality is we find ourselves on what feels like endless first dates, rehashing our story, making small talk with someone we had hoped might surprise us and be witty and charming in person. We date men who are just looking for a hook-up or are always looking to upgrade or creep us out or just plain old bore us.
We try setting our intentions, writing our lists, believing the right one could still be out there. You might think we’re looking for perfect, but trust me we know even Brad Pitt comes with baggage. We just want someone who can be honest, who can communicate, who can make us feel special and loved and that we can do the same for.
No wonder so many of us are ambivalent…we have a vision of what could be, but we are faced with the reality of what is. I didn’t know the old saying about kissing a lot of frogs was quite so literal…
So it’s official, after 4 years of separation I am officially divorced. It came in the mail, a gray photocopy of a certificate stating that the marriage “that was solemnized on the 6th day of May, 1998, was dissolved by a Judgment that became effective on the 13th day of January, 2019. That’s it no fanfare, no party, no anything, just a plain old piece of mail and a judgment that a marriage of 20 years is no more.
I knew it was coming, but the actual arrival felt so final and so anti-climactic. I didn’t know what to do with it. Do I celebrate? Happy that this chapter of my life has come to a close and I am free to move on. Do I mourn? My marriage to the man I thought was my soul mate is officially over. Should I drink champagne? Cry in my beer? Make a public announcement? Keep it to myself?
Honestly, I still don’t know. It’ll soon be my 2 month anniversary of my divorced status. It certainly doesn’t feel as exciting as the 2 month wedding anniversary, but you know I’m doing alright.
This is my message from the universe today as I worked on letting go of the attachment and disappointment associated with online dating. It feels like it should be easy to find someone new, so I put myself out there, try to be open to new people and new experiences. Sometimes finding myself being open to people that really I have no interest in for a multitude of reasons, but feeling that I should be open in case the universe has for some weird reason hidden my soul mate in this unappealing form. This really is nothing personal against the individual man, but I am looking for someone to really be in spiritual partnership.
Someone who is interested in learning and knowing about himself, others and even god, someone who has thought about meaning, ego, someone who is comfortable in his own skin, is masculine and secure in that. Someone who is looking for a partner to be his equal in life, to learn and share with, have adventures with and know love and commitment. And honestly I’m not willing to settle for less, just to avoid being single.
It is ok, much more than ok (freaking awesome might be better) to be picky, to know what I want, to say no I don’t want your muddy shoes walking on my holy ground. It is up to me to maintain my holy ground, to treat myself as the sacred, to be ready for spiritual partnership and as such I can decide who I let in to mind, body and online dating life.
I know, because I was once one of them. I believed I had married my soulmate and that we would always be together. We talked about how if one of us died, we would probably never remarry because a new love could never measure up to the love we shared with each other. We built a life together…supported each other through post-secondary…bought houses…renovated houses…sold houses…moved to new cities…went on holidays…had a daughter together…shared intimate moments…emotional ones…sexual ones…intellectual ones…so many moments. The moments that make you feel you will be together always…how could you not be.
You look at those not married like you look at a puppy at the animal shelter and you’re thankful that’s not you. I can remember feeling content, happy to not have to worry about dating or the relationship struggles around me, feeling secure in myself, my husband and the life we shared together. I was smug, it seemed easy, it seemed right and it seemed like it would be there forever.
Until it wasn’t, until he no longer wanted the life we shared…until I was the puppy.
Perhaps you need to be smug when you’re married, because it could all change in the blink of an eye. Maybe smugness insulates you from that fact and maybe we need that. Love is fragile…soul mates, true love, best friends, til death do us part or not.
They made 37 new Hallmark Christmas movies for 2018 to add to their library of countless happy ending, true love, magical Christmas, guaranteed to bring tears to your eyes, if not a full-fledged cry…especially if you’re on the single side. These movies make true love look so easy…you just need a beautiful woman, a handsome man, a quaint Christmas town, maybe an adorable child or pet and some big fluffy snowflakes…and yes some kind of difficulty that is easily resolved once the woman follows her heart.
But yes, in spite of this predictable, cheesy format…I watch them…I feel the love, the perfect ending and the conflicting feelings of wanting to puke and wanting to fall in love. To get lost in the fairy tale story for a couple of hours while waiting for your own true love can be both heaven and hell. Who doesn’t want to believe in the magic of Christmas, the power of true love and a happy ending for all (except maybe for the guy who lost his girlfriend to the hometown hunk).
Just thinking and feeling alone today. For me today that feels really lonely, separate, disconnected from others, maybe from myself, from god, from life itself. I feel alone at home and alone in the universe, the kind of alone that in the moment feels like it could last forever. The kind of alone that I want to run from, find comfort from, pretend it doesn’t exist. To acknowledge it, might mean to be consumed by it.
I re-read that paragraph and it feels true, except in the acknowledgement of being alone…it does not consume me. I am here with the part of me that feels alone, seeing, feeling, tasting alone and I am ok. I am here with this part of myself and in acknowledging that part…that feeling…I am not alone. It is only a moment in time and I can be there for myself in that moment, allowing alone to exist, allowing feelings to be and allowing feelings to go. With my hand on my heart, I see alone and I let her know I am here…she is a part of the whole.
I’m really quite self-sufficient, independent, a woman who can take care of herself…but sometimes I feel so fucking lonely I can hardly stand it.
The world seems to be full of couples, some happy, some not so much…but still they have someone. Some days it seems like even a crappy someone would be better than no some one.
I try to think positive, set my intentions for what I want in love, in life, in a relationship…but still I’m home alone.
I know all about gratitude and try to practice it most days and I know I have lots of love in my life and lots to be grateful for…but still this fucking loneliness.
This desire to find love, be love, be connected, be supported…someone to tell about my day, share my worries, hug me, snuggle beside me, someone where I know I’m safe, loved and taken care of. I know the feelings, the looks, the words, the touch…but they aren’t mine…instead I’m here with this fucking loneliness.